


There Wasn't

by eburneanevenings



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012 Phan, Angst, Christmas, Christmas Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 17:22:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7901266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eburneanevenings/pseuds/eburneanevenings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>christmas in 2012</p>
            </blockquote>





	There Wasn't

This Christmas didn’t feel like Christmas. There wasn’t tinsel strung up around the flat. There weren’t Christmas tunes being played all day courtesy of Phil. There weren’t holiday movie marathons. There wasn’t going to Starbucks and getting holiday drinks. There wasn’t an exchange of presents. Hell, the only reason that the Christmas tree was even put up, and nearly 3 weeks late at that, was to evade questions from their friends as to why it wasn’t on display in their lounge.

Christmas this year felt empty, and that’s because it was. Christmas this year was void of decorations, and outings, and traditions, and more, because it was devoid of feelings, or devoid of positive feelings, rather. 

This Christmas it was cold, and not just because it was winter. Christmas this year was cold because the warmth for each other that was once in Dan and Phil’s hearts was no longer there. They were just existing, putting on shells of their former, happy, loving selves only when the camera and friends and family required it, and even that didn’t always work.

Thus, when they went to their own family Christmas celebrations, they made up excuses for the other’s absence:  
“His family had lots of plans: family pictures, presents, and a giant dinner. He’s been busy all day.”  
“He had two different family parties to go to, and he made plans with a few friends from out of town that he forgot about.”

Their families didn’t question it. They knew that if something were up, they’d be told, and so they bought the excuses like they were items in a 70% off sale. Each family attributed the difference in attitude to the lack of each other.  
Christmas Day this year wasn’t much different from any of the previous days this year because there wasn’t love or cuddles or anything affectionate. The only thing that differentiated it from the other days was that the loneliness and hatred hurt a little bit more.

Consequently, there was drinking in order to forget this Christmas. There was holing themselves up in separate rooms. There was smoking in order to make their thoughts foggy. There was going out on Christmas Eve just to end up in a stranger’s room with their clothes strewn around it. There was hatred. There was self-loathing. There was anger. There was depression. There were old habits and thoughts that were assumed to be long gone that managed to wind their way in the brains of these broken two.  
In short, there was nothing.  
Nothing good, at least.


End file.
